Friday, December 16, 2011

Top 4 Reasons the Yu Darvish Posting Pocess is like an Episode of Storage Wars

As an avid Blue Jays fan, I’ve been following the recent Yu Darvish posting circus with bated breath – waiting to see who comes away with the coveted Japanese hurler. And while it still isn’t known which team presented the highest bid, one thing has become apparent: this entire posting process is like an episode of A&E’s Storage Wars (I’m still not sure whether it’s a Season 1 or Season 2 episode).
Don't believe me? Well here are the top four similarities that prove my point:

1.      Because Yu Darvish may end up being a worthless reproduction of Hot Rod Magazine #1

So in one episode, eccentric millionaire playboy Barry Weiss bids on a locker containing what appears to be issue #1 of Hot Rod Magazine, which according to Barry is worth like a million dollars or something. He pays $1000 for the locker, takes the magazine to be appraised, and finds out that it’s a worthless reproduction.

Lets face it, the success of Japanese imports in MLB has been hit and miss. For every Suzuki there are ten Shinjos. And Japanese pitchers have a history of bursting onto the scene before going all late-period Hideo Nomo on their team’s ass. Not to say Darvish is going to be a bust, but I don’t think anyone would be surprised if he doesn’t live up to the hype.  

2.      Because Theo Epstien is Barry Weiss

When put in a "silver fox" wig and stylish glasses, the similarities between Epstein and Weiss become apparent
Barry Weiss is awesome.
Barry Weiss is the guy that everyone wishes they could be.
He doesn’t give a shit about anything, and he does what he wants.
One episode involved him trading a crappy TV for a plate of homemade burritos.
That’s like when Epstien got Kevin Millar for nothing.
Then this one time he won an organ, only to give it away later in the episode, in exchange for these two singing him a couple songs.
That’s like getting rid of ManRam and picking up Jason Bay
And Weiss brings midgets on stilts and psychics to help him bid on units.
I mean, I’m not well versed in storage unit auction etiquette, but to me that seems like letting your baseball team play MLB: The Show while drinking and eating chicken wings during games.
If Epstien is able to pull off some of his trade magic of old, he could become the Barry Weiss of this entire saga.  

3.      Because Alex Anthopoulos and Paul Beeston are Jared and Brandi

So Jared and Brandi fulfill the “lovable loser” archetype on Storage Wars (they’re at least as lovable as Storage Wars losers can get). They run a tiny thrift store that can’t compete with their giant competition (Dave Hester), and they’re often priced out as bidding runs up on the lockers they want. Jared (like Anthopoulos) is the vocal face of the pair. He’s always threatening to make moves, to show Dave Hester that he can play with the big boys, and that he has money to spend but is just waiting for the right time. Then his wife Brandi (Beeston) reminds Jared that even though their store is empty, he’s not allowed to spend money. So under the judgemental glare of Brandi, he walks away empty handed, having not won a locker, but having not lost money on a locker either. And then he goes back to his half empty store, and complains about how barren it is, and how he needs to fill the shelves.
But he never will, because Dave Hester will always price him out of the market.  

Of course, this could be a Season 2 episode, in which Jared finally grows some balls and Brandi loosens the purse strings and they win a few lockers.


Probably not.   

4.      Because Brian Cashman and the Yankees are exactly like Dave Hester

Remember that episode of Storage Wars when Dave Hester outbid Darrell Sheets on that locker filled with budget disco light fixtures, just because he wanted to see Darrell fail? Replace “Dave Hester” with “the New York Yankees”, “Darrell Sheets” with the “the Boston Red Sox” and “budget disco light fixtures” with “Japanese infielder Hiroyuki Nakajima, who will likely never play for the Yankees, but whom they have no desire to see dress for another team.”

Like Hester, the Yankees have more money than anyone else, and like Hester, they use this money to push their opponents around. And they do it so aggressively that it comes across as just plain evil. But while it’s easy to hate the Yankees, remember that episode of Storage Wars when that sunglassed Mexican Portugal-born Brazilian* dude showed up and bid the crap out of Hester, sending his ego crashing to the ground. Remember how awesome that felt?

Now replace “sunglassed Mexican Portugal-born Brazilian dude” with “Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim”.

Mexican Portugal-born Brazilian fire-cracker Mark Balelo will be added to the 2012 Angels logo
Now, for the success of any other team in the American League, just hope to god that Albert Pujols ends up being the free agent equivalent of a NES-001.  

* Due to the below comment, purported to be from the sure-to-be-litigious Mark Balelo, the term "Mexican" has been corrected to reflect his Portugal-born Brazilian heritage. I would also like to clarify to any Mexican readers that I never intended to besmirch their nation's fine name.


  1. Get to know Mark Balelo before making comments. I have nothing against Mexicans, but I am not Mexican!

  2. i've been trying to get to know you, but you haven't been returning my calls.

  3. Mark Balelo = convicted drug trafficker.