Friday, December 14, 2012

WHO THE HELL IS THAT GUY: Identifying Don Fehr's Entourage

If you're anything like me, you've been tuning out the noise surrounding the NHL lockout since Jaymes Hall left the scene. And while this whole labour dispute fiasco has ensured I've lost any and all interest in the game* there is one thing that has been keeping me following.

It's this guy right here:

Seriously, who is this guy?

I've asked friends and acquaintances who know much more about hockey than I, and can't find anything.
I've scoured the internet with no luck.
No articles I've read mention anything about the older, jewfro-ed guy in ill-fitting suits.

So in order to ease my mind, I've developped a rating scale, which I'm going to use to compare potential candidates to that guy. By the end of this, we'll figure out who he is. The scale contains 3 key metrics, each of which will be scored out of 5. The metrics are as follows:

  1. PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: This is pretty straight forward. Does the candidate look like the mystery man?
  2. LINKS TO THE HOCKEY WORLD: This is pretty straight forward too. Does the candidate have any links to the hockey world?
  3. LAWYERISHNESS: Ok, fine, all three of my criteria are pretty straight forward. How Lawyerish is the candidate?

So let's get to work figuring out who this guy is:


NAME: Albert Hammond Jr.
WHO HE IS: Guitar player for The Stokes, son of Albert Hammond Sr.
PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: He's about 20 years too young, but otherwise it's a bang on resemblance. Bonus points for the ill-fitting suits (Which in Hammond Jr's case are not only intentional but his own damn fault) 4/5
LINKS TO THE HOCKEY WORLD: It's gotta be lonely to be a Strokes fan who's into hockey 2/5
LAWYERISHNESS: Um... not really Lawyerish at all 0/5



Am I not turtley enough for the turtle club?
NAME: Gammy Num Nums (as played by Dana Carvey)
WHO IS (S)HE: One of many alter-egos of Pistachio Disguisi, in Dana Carvey's brilliant "Master of Disguise"PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: The hair is almost there, but Turtle Guy's face is closer in appearance. And also I think Gammy Num Num's a woman. 3/5
LINKS TO THE HOCKEY WORLD: Ok, fine, this video is mostly Steve Carrell, but it is from Dana Carvey's short lived show. 4/5

LAWYERISHNESS: 0% lawyerish 0/5



NAME: Artie Ziff
WHO HE IS: Marge Simpson's one time boyfriend. And he's a cartoon.
PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: Probably the cartoon character that resembles our mystery man the most, if that means anything. 5/5
LINKS TO THE HOCKEY WORLD: None that I can find, but once again, damn if people aren't crazy0/5
LAWYERISHNESS: Really, do you even have to ask? 5/5



NAME: Dave Kleinfeld (as played by Sean Penn)
WHO HE IS: Lawyer to Carlito Brigante, in Brian DePalma's kind-of overrated Carlito's Way
PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: Jewfro? Not only does he have the jewfro, he has the all-too rare receeding jewfro. 5/5
LINKS TO THE HOCKEY WORLD: If you google "Sean Penn and Hockey" this shows up on the top page. I'm not sure what a Vancouver Canucks message board has to do with Sean Penn, but damn if people aren't crazy. 1/5
LAWYERISHNESS: Really, do you even have      to ask? 5/5


Did I miss anyone? Let me know.

* To be fair, this is not due soley to the lockout. Being a Maple Leafs fan, my love of the game has been waning since the last time the Leafs made the playoffs lockout.

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