Space Jays 2: The Wrath of Zaun

Back in March I made a movie called Space Jays.

March was a good time to be a Blue Jays fan. Before the taint of 2013 took hold, we all looked forward to watching Josh Johnson dominate; we all thought Melky Cabrera would prove to the world he wasn't being held together by PEDs; we all loved Metric's Stadium Love.

Since March the world has become a much darker place.

Back when I made Space Jays, it's unbridled optimism made sense. That kind of thinking doesn't work today.

So I'm rebooting Space Jays in it's sequel.

I'm making it darker... grittier.

Enjoy this trailer:

Also, enjoy the original Space Jays:

And since you're here, if you're a Toronto sports fan you might as well watch this:

Angry Bretts

I think it's pretty obvious that Brett Lawrie like his cell phone:

I mean, the dude tweets about Swedish House Mafia often enough that at least a couple of 'em must've been sent from his cell.

And if he's got a smart phone, he's probably got Angry Birds.

Which is pretty fitting, because he's the Angriest Bird I know of (by bird I mean Blue Jay, not British woman).

And seeing how Angry Birds isn't afraid to license their game off to the highest paying intellectual property, I think it's only fitting that Brett Lawrie gets a shot at it.

The Munenori Kawasaki All Star Write-In Campaign Video: Jhonny Peralta

The fine folks over at Bluebird Banter have launched a campaign to get Munenori Kawasaki, the Toronto Blue Jays own personal GIF generator, written in as shortstop for the 2013 All Star Game.

Every good campaign needs a good attack ad, which is where this comes in:

Anthony Gose ran through a Wall

Anthony Gose ran through a wall and I couldn't find actual video of it for the longest time.
So I thought about what it might look like and decided on this:

I'm really tired.
I apologize in advance.

The Lost Blue Jays 8 Bit Old School Nintendo Video Game

I had this crazy dream the other night.

In it, I was playing a video game on an old school NES. And that video game was about the 2013 Blue Jays.

So I jumped on ebay, poked around for a bit, and sure enough, was able to track it down.

I have no idea how someone was able to predict what I'm sure will be the fate of the Jays this year, but dammit if this doesn't look pretty accurate.

Except I don't think Lind will get as many at bats.

But other than that, I think it's pretty bang on.

J.J. Abrams vs. John Farrell: What's with all these Dream Jobs?

Red Sox fans complained about the 2013 season's excessive lens flares 

I am not really a Trekkie.
I am also not really a Star Wars fan.

That being said, I probably know more about Star Trek mythology than most people.
I also know more about about Star Wars mythology than most people (My geek card should be validated by referring to both Star Trek and Star Wars minutae as "mythology").

Who said R.A. Dickey is going to be a Blue Jay?

So my weekend was kind of ruined by the fact that RA Dickey is apparently going to be a Toronto Blue Jay.

I seriously spent at least 8 hours watching Twitter, in a mall's food court, while pretending to Christmas shop, waiting for the allegedly immanent trade to become official.

Ironically, neither the trade nor my Christmas shopping is done.

It got me thinking, though. Who is telling Ken Rosenthal et al about these trades?

Is it someone from the Jays? If so, who? How close are they? Are they THIS close:

The Reason Toronto Sports Suck

It's been blamed on everything from fickle, fashion-conscious fans, to omnipresent corporate influence, but the recent dark period in Toronto sports is the fault of one man. Luckily for us, John Gibbons has returned to set this city right, and gosh-darn it, setting this city right is what he and Bruce Walton are going to do. Don't believe me?

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO: John Gibbons gets the message that he's the new Blue Jays manager

I stumbled across this exclusive video of the phone call John Gibbons received, informing him that he was the successful candidate for the 2012 Blue Jays manager position.

I am a huge Gibbons fan, and can't wait to see him in his Jays K-way again.

If Blue Jays were Superheroes: Special Retro Edition

Toronto's half-assed answer to San Diego Comic Con is coming soon. The end of summer means sweaty cosplaying nerds from all around the Golden Horseshoe will soon gather to celebrate their pathetic, virginal-dork-ridden culture (I AM KIDDING. I'm going. I'll be the guy wearing a garbage bag and calling myself Robocop).

So in honor of "Fan Expo" lets look at the Blue Jays, if they were comic book characters.

For this installment, something special... RETRO BLUE JAYS SUPER FLASHBACK FRIDAY EDITION!

Todd Stottlemyre is Longshot

I don't know what is going on with Stottlemyre in this pic,
but dammit if it doesn't encapsulate his time with the Jays.

Longshot isn't the most well-known superhero.

But dammit he is the most Stottlemyrian.

If Blue Jays were Superheroes: Jose Bautista, Edwin Encaracion, John Farrell and Brett Lawrie

Toronto's half-assed answer to San Diego Comic Con is coming soon. The end of summer means sweaty cosplaying nerds from all around the Golden Horseshoe will soon gather to celebrate their pathetic, virginal-dork-ridden culture (I AM KIDDING. I'm going. I'll be the grown man dressed up like a god damn Pokemon.).

So in honor of "Fan Expo" lets look at the Blue Jays, if they were comic book characters.

Jose Bautista, Edwin Encarnacion, John Farrell & Brett Lawrie are The Fantastic Four.

Yeah, I know Lawrie's hair in this pic looks more like DC comic's Firestorm than Human Torch. Shut up, nerd. 

Jose Bautista is 100% Reed Richards a.k.a. Mr. Fantastic 

In fact now that I think about it, the moniker "Joey Bats" is getting a little tired. Toronto needs a new nickname for Bautista and Mr. Fantastic really fits.

If Blue Jays were Superheroes: Colby Rasmus

Toronto's half-assed answer to San Diego Comic Con is coming soon. The end of summer means sweaty cosplaying nerds from all around the Golden Horseshoe will soon gather to celebrate their pathetic, virginal-dork-ridden culture (I AM KIDDING. I'm going. I'll be the fat dude dressed like Sailor Moon).

So in honor of "Fan Expo" lets look at the Blue Jays, if they were comic book characters.

Colby Rasmus is Ghostrider

Mike Wilner: Tell me Colby, how has being transformed into a demon of vengeance affected your approach at the plate?
Colby Rasmus: Uhhhh... mumble... mumble... mumble

Their biographies are almost identical.
Ghost Rider is Johnny Blaze, a motorcycle daredevil who dies in a horrific stunt after selling his soul to

If Blue Jays were Superheroes: Ricky Romero

Toronto's half-assed answer to San Diego Comic Con is coming soon. The end of summer means sweaty cosplaying nerds from all around the Golden Horseshoe will soon gather to celebrate their pathetic, virginal-dork-ridden culture (I AM KIDDING. I'm going. I'll be the guy dressed up as Cloud Strife).

So in honor of "Fan Expo" lets look at the Blue Jays, if they were comic book characters.

Ricky Romero is The Green Lantern.



With the luck the Jays have had this year, this is the closest anyone will get to a World Series ring

If you asked me last year what comic book character best exemplifies Ricky Romero, I probably would have gone a different route.

David Cooper: Blue Jays Kingpin

So the other day I made a bit of a flip post about David Cooper being the next John Olerud.

I am now officially standing behind that.

For two reasons.

Firstly - Apparently I can't figure out how to get fan graphs to work. But I know my fucking statistics dammit.  Uhh... this chart below shows that at age 25 Cooper has a similar batting average to John Olerud...

Olerud was the king of hitting for average. (yeah, my chart is weak, but it's getting late and I just want to compare Cooper to Daredevil/Ben Affleck).

At the end of the day, I'm getting a 100% Olerudian vibe from Cooper.

For Real, David Cooper looks just like John Olerud

The only difference? 

Cooper's Dimples Above Replacement (DAR) is through the roof. 

Is Anthopoulos' "Comfort" Turning the Jays into Meg Ryan?

People believe Alex Anthopoulos is making a lot of phone calls on behalf of the Toronto Blue Jays.
Unfortunately the way things have been going for the Jays he'd have better luck calling radio talk shows in search of a wife for Tom Hanks.  

Last year I set about trying to drum up interest in a tent-pole blockbuster about your 2011 Toronto Blue Jays.

At the time I pegged Terrence Malick to direct, thinking he’d be willing to change pace from his usual visually-stunning-but-boring-as-hell style to take on the Blue Jays tale. Early reports of Tree of Life being a massive turd made me think he’d want a change of pace.

Well apparently my sources were wrong, as Tree of Life is being ranked amongst the best movies of the year. I refuse to see it out of the fact I know it’s going to a narcoleptic’s wet dream (anyone familiar with Malick’s work who disagrees with me is a liar).

But that got me thinking: what if the Blue Jays story isn’t a sprawling epic?

What if it’s actually a romantic comedy?

Directed by Nora Ephron..

What do I mean?

So What Comes Next (or is Man Ram or Ram Man the Next Logical Move for the Jays)?

Ram Man's real name is Rammy Manirez. Seriously. I'm not making this shit up. Topps don't lie.

If you're like me, you woke up on Tuesday December 20th with a raging hangover. One of those "leave work early and tell everyone it's because you think you're getting bronchitis" type hangovers.

Why was I were you hungover, you ask?

Simple. You stayed up 'til midnight boozing, only to hear your 2012 Toronto Blue Jays failed to win the Yu Darvish sweepstakes, and are now down one marquee player.
Ok, they're not DOWN per se (they didn't lose Bautista) but thanks to our reliable traditional media friends (found here, here and here) we all expected the Jays to land the best pitcher the world has ever seen, so it kinda feels like we're down.

So who/what do the Jays do now? Well a lot of people are talking a lot of Manny Ramirez. And maybe that's the logical next step. His performance enhancing drug suspension has come to an end, and he has stated his intention to return to the game. The very same game that helped pay for his legal fees after this incident.

Wait... I apologize, that was in bad form.

But come on, who am I kidding, Toronto loves their athletes most when they have a history of domestic violence.

So the big question now: "Should the Jays sign Man Ram?"

And the logical extension to this question: "Should the Jays sign Masters of the Universe character Ram Man instead?"

Well, read on to see a few thoughts on who can offer more to Anthopoulos and his mighty Jays.

How and Why the Jays Lost the Yu Darvish Bid

As Blue Jays fans deal with the disappointment of losing the Yu Darvish sweepstakes, eyes now turn to GM Alex Anthopoulos in anticipation of his next move.

Anthopoulos has always been upfront regarding his team's willingness (or lack thereof) to spend money. As he explained at the winter meetings, the Jays are sitting on their wallets until attendance justifies a big spend. Apparantley at that point the floodgates will open, and the Darvishes, Fielders, and Pujolses of the world will come spilling onto the Jays 25 man roster.

Top 4 Reasons the Yu Darvish Posting Pocess is like an Episode of Storage Wars

As an avid Blue Jays fan, I’ve been following the recent Yu Darvish posting circus with bated breath – waiting to see who comes away with the coveted Japanese hurler. And while it still isn’t known which team presented the highest bid, one thing has become apparent: this entire posting process is like an episode of A&E’s Storage Wars (I’m still not sure whether it’s a Season 1 or Season 2 episode).

Don't believe me? Well here are the top four similarities that prove my point:

Is the Man in White in MLB:The Show 2011?

Apparently those devious bastards at Sony Computer Entertainment knew something that the baseball world only speculated about. It looks like they've included Toronto's mysterious Man in White in the latest iteration of their hit Playstation game, MLB: The Show 2011.

Jeff from Saskatoon, an intrepid reader of this blog, sent us these images after noticing a white flash to the right of opposing pitchers, as simulated Jose Bautista faced the simulated Yankees at the simulated Rogers Centre.

Interestingly enough, when the Blue Jays face the Yankees in season mode, a mini-game replaces the traditional exit screen.
In it you play as Russell Martin in a game based on one of Sony Computer Entertainment's first big hits, "Parappa the Rapper".

The man in white is clearly visible to the right of the pitcher



Magnified 10X and it's obvious this man in white clearly resembles the Blue Jays' nefarious helper




I would play this game in a heartbeat