Blue Jays 2HP Twitter Blender: September 1st, 2013

I tried something similar to this once before.
I took a Mike Wilner tweet and tried to make a cartoon out of it.
It didn't quite work.

Then yesterday Rogers Centre broke.
And Wilner tweeted about it.
And then Jose Bautista's twitter account decided to follow me.
And then I noticed a tweet saying Hayao Miyazaki retired.
So I tried again.

J.J. Abrams vs. John Farrell: What's with all these Dream Jobs?

Red Sox fans complained about the 2013 season's excessive lens flares 

I am not really a Trekkie.
I am also not really a Star Wars fan.

That being said, I probably know more about Star Trek mythology than most people.
I also know more about about Star Wars mythology than most people (My geek card should be validated by referring to both Star Trek and Star Wars minutae as "mythology").

Who said R.A. Dickey is going to be a Blue Jay?

So my weekend was kind of ruined by the fact that RA Dickey is apparently going to be a Toronto Blue Jay.

I seriously spent at least 8 hours watching Twitter, in a mall's food court, while pretending to Christmas shop, waiting for the allegedly immanent trade to become official.

Ironically, neither the trade nor my Christmas shopping is done.

It got me thinking, though. Who is telling Ken Rosenthal et al about these trades?

Is it someone from the Jays? If so, who? How close are they? Are they THIS close:

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO: John Gibbons gets the message that he's the new Blue Jays manager

I stumbled across this exclusive video of the phone call John Gibbons received, informing him that he was the successful candidate for the 2012 Blue Jays manager position.

I am a huge Gibbons fan, and can't wait to see him in his Jays K-way again.

If Blue Jays were Superheroes: Jose Bautista, Edwin Encaracion, John Farrell and Brett Lawrie

Toronto's half-assed answer to San Diego Comic Con is coming soon. The end of summer means sweaty cosplaying nerds from all around the Golden Horseshoe will soon gather to celebrate their pathetic, virginal-dork-ridden culture (I AM KIDDING. I'm going. I'll be the grown man dressed up like a god damn Pokemon.).

So in honor of "Fan Expo" lets look at the Blue Jays, if they were comic book characters.

Jose Bautista, Edwin Encarnacion, John Farrell & Brett Lawrie are The Fantastic Four.

Yeah, I know Lawrie's hair in this pic looks more like DC comic's Firestorm than Human Torch. Shut up, nerd. 

Jose Bautista is 100% Reed Richards a.k.a. Mr. Fantastic 

In fact now that I think about it, the moniker "Joey Bats" is getting a little tired. Toronto needs a new nickname for Bautista and Mr. Fantastic really fits.

David Cooper: Blue Jays Kingpin

So the other day I made a bit of a flip post about David Cooper being the next John Olerud.

I am now officially standing behind that.

For two reasons.

Firstly - Apparently I can't figure out how to get fan graphs to work. But I know my fucking statistics dammit.  Uhh... this chart below shows that at age 25 Cooper has a similar batting average to John Olerud...

Olerud was the king of hitting for average. (yeah, my chart is weak, but it's getting late and I just want to compare Cooper to Daredevil/Ben Affleck).

At the end of the day, I'm getting a 100% Olerudian vibe from Cooper.

So What Comes Next (or is Man Ram or Ram Man the Next Logical Move for the Jays)?

Ram Man's real name is Rammy Manirez. Seriously. I'm not making this shit up. Topps don't lie.

If you're like me, you woke up on Tuesday December 20th with a raging hangover. One of those "leave work early and tell everyone it's because you think you're getting bronchitis" type hangovers.

Why was I were you hungover, you ask?

Simple. You stayed up 'til midnight boozing, only to hear your 2012 Toronto Blue Jays failed to win the Yu Darvish sweepstakes, and are now down one marquee player.
Ok, they're not DOWN per se (they didn't lose Bautista) but thanks to our reliable traditional media friends (found here, here and here) we all expected the Jays to land the best pitcher the world has ever seen, so it kinda feels like we're down.

So who/what do the Jays do now? Well a lot of people are talking a lot of Manny Ramirez. And maybe that's the logical next step. His performance enhancing drug suspension has come to an end, and he has stated his intention to return to the game. The very same game that helped pay for his legal fees after this incident.

Wait... I apologize, that was in bad form.

But come on, who am I kidding, Toronto loves their athletes most when they have a history of domestic violence.

So the big question now: "Should the Jays sign Man Ram?"

And the logical extension to this question: "Should the Jays sign Masters of the Universe character Ram Man instead?"

Well, read on to see a few thoughts on who can offer more to Anthopoulos and his mighty Jays.

How and Why the Jays Lost the Yu Darvish Bid

As Blue Jays fans deal with the disappointment of losing the Yu Darvish sweepstakes, eyes now turn to GM Alex Anthopoulos in anticipation of his next move.

Anthopoulos has always been upfront regarding his team's willingness (or lack thereof) to spend money. As he explained at the winter meetings, the Jays are sitting on their wallets until attendance justifies a big spend. Apparantley at that point the floodgates will open, and the Darvishes, Fielders, and Pujolses of the world will come spilling onto the Jays 25 man roster.

Top 4 Reasons the Yu Darvish Posting Pocess is like an Episode of Storage Wars

As an avid Blue Jays fan, I’ve been following the recent Yu Darvish posting circus with bated breath – waiting to see who comes away with the coveted Japanese hurler. And while it still isn’t known which team presented the highest bid, one thing has become apparent: this entire posting process is like an episode of A&E’s Storage Wars (I’m still not sure whether it’s a Season 1 or Season 2 episode).

Don't believe me? Well here are the top four similarities that prove my point:

Is the Man in White in MLB:The Show 2011?

Apparently those devious bastards at Sony Computer Entertainment knew something that the baseball world only speculated about. It looks like they've included Toronto's mysterious Man in White in the latest iteration of their hit Playstation game, MLB: The Show 2011.

Jeff from Saskatoon, an intrepid reader of this blog, sent us these images after noticing a white flash to the right of opposing pitchers, as simulated Jose Bautista faced the simulated Yankees at the simulated Rogers Centre.

Interestingly enough, when the Blue Jays face the Yankees in season mode, a mini-game replaces the traditional exit screen.
In it you play as Russell Martin in a game based on one of Sony Computer Entertainment's first big hits, "Parappa the Rapper".

The man in white is clearly visible to the right of the pitcher



Magnified 10X and it's obvious this man in white clearly resembles the Blue Jays' nefarious helper




I would play this game in a heartbeat

Who will Play the 2011 Blue Jays? Part 3

It has been awhile since the last report on casting for Terrence Malik's untitled 2011 Toronto Blue Jay film.

In PART 1 we announced Steve Carrell as John McDonald, Ryan Gosling as Aaron Hill, Lee Majors as John Farrell and some other dude as Juan Rivera, which doesn't matter any more because he's gone (HOORAY!).

In PART 2 we looked at David "Squiggy" Lander as Jason Frasor (also gone... HOORAY!), R&B superstar Usher as Jose Bautista and Justin Bieber as Alex Anthopoulos. 

A lot has changed since May 16th, the date of the last casting report.

On May 16th, the Jays were 1 game over .500. As of August 15th they're 2 games over.

And so today, in celebration of this enormous improvement, we will look at who will be playing some of the younger members of your Toronto Blue Jays, because as Whitney said, I believe the children are our future. And Whitney starred with Kevin Costner in the Bodyguard. And Costner built the god-damn field of dreams. So on that note...

More Info on the Man in White Emerges

Following our expose of the mysterious individual responsible for stealing signs on behalf of the Toronto Blue Jays, more information has surfaced regarding the person known as "the man in white".

A review of recent Toronto Maple Leafs footage shows that this man has a hand in their fortunes as well.

What does it all mean? We're still trying to work that out.

Toronto Blue Jays Sign-Stealing Man in White has been Identified

At first I didn't want to believe it. Not MY Toronto Blue Jays.

My boys would never cheat. They would never steal signs.

And when Alex Anthopoulos responded to this ESPN article (which claims that when playing at home the Jays are helped by a mysterious man in white, perched in the outfield, somehow transmitting pitch types to Blue Jays batters) I felt proud. He stood up for my boys. He told the world ESPN was wrong.

But then I found this: