Friday, August 17, 2012

If Blue Jays were Superheroes: Jose Bautista, Edwin Encaracion, John Farrell and Brett Lawrie

Toronto's half-assed answer to San Diego Comic Con is coming soon. The end of summer means sweaty cosplaying nerds from all around the Golden Horseshoe will soon gather to celebrate their pathetic, virginal-dork-ridden culture (I AM KIDDING. I'm going. I'll be the grown man dressed up like a god damn Pokemon.).

So in honor of "Fan Expo" lets look at the Blue Jays, if they were comic book characters.

Jose Bautista, Edwin Encarnacion, John Farrell & Brett Lawrie are The Fantastic Four.

Farrell makes a sexy blonde
Yeah, I know Lawrie's hair in this pic looks more like DC comic's Firestorm than Human Torch. Shut up, nerd. 

Jose Bautista is 100% Reed Richards a.k.a. Mr. Fantastic 
In fact now that I think about it, the moniker "Joey Bats" is getting a little tired. Toronto needs a new nickname for Bautista and Mr. Fantastic really fits.
Like Richards, Bautista puts in time studying problems, using logic to solve them. However, according to the Marvel Wiki, Reed Richards does occasionally lapse into depression over long-standing unsolved problems.
Remember the beginning of the 2012 season, when Jose Bautista wasn’t batting? 
I don't think it's too much of a stretch to blame those on long-standing unsolved problems.

Edwin Encarnacion is Ben Grimm a.k.a. The Thing

The Thing: 

He is misunderstood, quiet, and sensitive. Although part of the Fantastic Four, he always seems distant from them. He loves blind  but keeps to himself. In love with blind sculptress Alicia Masters, it is easier for him to suppress his feelings than admit them.

Edwin Encarnacion: 

He is misunderstood, quiet, and sensitive. Although part of the Blue Jays, he always seems distant from them while in the dugout, waiting to bat. In love with blind Masterchef contestant Christine Ha, it is easier for him to suppress his feeling than admit them. 

Ok, fine, Edwin Encarnacion probably does not dream of Christine Ha. But speaking of Masterchef,
when John Farrell inevitably goes back to Boston, I'm saying Gordon Ramsay for Blue Jays manager.
Honestly, the only reason Edwin is the Thing is because I needed someone to be a giant made of orange rock, and the Jays don't have Lyle Overbay anymore. 

John Farrell is Sue Storm a.k.a. The Invisible Girl

Why is Farrell the invisible girl, you ask? 

Well if I was a lesser man I'd first cite the story arc that saw Sue Storm initiate divorce proceedings with Reed Richards after he put their super-powered son in a coma so as to prevent a global catastrophe.  
I'd then compare this to John Farrell's (apparently) pending "divorce" from the Blue Jays, and return to Boston.
Of course I'm a reasonable man, and I'd never use a comic book divorce as a metaphor for Farrell's lack of comment on this issue, his dancing around questions, and his half-assed-not-really-saying-anything  claims of dedication to the Blue Jays. 

The real reason he's Sue Storm is because he looks great as a blonde.* 

Brett Lawrie is Johnny Storm a.k.a. The Human Torch

Johnny Storm, the Human Torch, is a hot-headed young fireball. He's brash, he's impetuous, and he's arrogant in the way only super talented youth can be.

If you're reading this, I'm going to assume you're a Blue Jays fan, and I don't need to say any more. 

But this video is just SO much fun. It never gets old:

Best parts of the video:

  1. "Inexcusable" at 0:22. 
  2. The look of genuine, down-home concern on Larry Bowa's face at the 1:13 mark.
  3. "This could be more than a two to five game suspension" at 1:20-ish. Wow, that's a bold prediction. Way to go out on a limb there. What you're telling me is that the suspension could be more than 1 game? Great analysis.

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