VOLUNTEERS NEEDED FOR EXCITING OPPORTUNITY: I'm Looking to Colonize Mars

I've been studying a few articles about terraforming here and here.

Then I realized one was Carl Sagan and kind of awesome, and the other was for a videogame which looks fucking retarded.

Anyways, I've decided to build my own Genesis device. I've got some physics experience (a general arts University level Astronomy course). I've read a lot of Michio Kaku and Marcus Chown. I've seen both Total Recall and Wrath of Khan.

I need help though.

I've posted the below ad on craigslist.

If you can assist, let me know in the comments.

Football Fans are Fucking Retarded

I was in what's perhaps the least entertaining place to have a drink at 3:00 pm on a Sunday in the whole wide world last weekend and saw this:

At first I thought it was retarded that, even though the poster was advertising bus trips to Buffalo, including seats in Ralph Wilson stadium, and was headed with the team name "Buffalo Bills", someone found it necessary to stipulate that each team was playing AT the Buffalo Bills.

Because I thought I'd take a bus to see the Bills play the Denver Broncos in Ralph Wilson stadium, which they could've moved to Colorado.

Then I saw that the Tennessee game is $15 less than every other game.

I guess that's because it's on a Sunady.

"Research and Development Camp" proves the NHL is the Pro-Sports Equivalent of George Lucas

There is nothing that annoys me more than the positive attention currently surrounding the NHL's Research and Development Camp.

To attract a larger audience, Gary Bettman has replaced Zdeno Chara in all video of the 2011 Stanley Cup with a young Anakin Skywalker

For those out of the loop, the NHL spent two days running their top prospects through a series of scrimmages, in which they experimented with a number of proposed rule changes to see if any of them are worthy of being implemented this coming season.

What was the result?

Who will Play the 2011 Blue Jays? Part 3

It has been awhile since the last report on casting for Terrence Malik's untitled 2011 Toronto Blue Jay film.

In PART 1 we announced Steve Carrell as John McDonald, Ryan Gosling as Aaron Hill, Lee Majors as John Farrell and some other dude as Juan Rivera, which doesn't matter any more because he's gone (HOORAY!).

In PART 2 we looked at David "Squiggy" Lander as Jason Frasor (also gone... HOORAY!), R&B superstar Usher as Jose Bautista and Justin Bieber as Alex Anthopoulos. 

A lot has changed since May 16th, the date of the last casting report.

On May 16th, the Jays were 1 game over .500. As of August 15th they're 2 games over.

And so today, in celebration of this enormous improvement, we will look at who will be playing some of the younger members of your Toronto Blue Jays, because as Whitney said, I believe the children are our future. And Whitney starred with Kevin Costner in the Bodyguard. And Costner built the god-damn field of dreams. So on that note...

More Info on the Man in White Emerges

Following our expose of the mysterious individual responsible for stealing signs on behalf of the Toronto Blue Jays, more information has surfaced regarding the person known as "the man in white".

A review of recent Toronto Maple Leafs footage shows that this man has a hand in their fortunes as well.

What does it all mean? We're still trying to work that out.

Toronto Blue Jays Sign-Stealing Man in White has been Identified

At first I didn't want to believe it. Not MY Toronto Blue Jays.

My boys would never cheat. They would never steal signs.

And when Alex Anthopoulos responded to this ESPN article (which claims that when playing at home the Jays are helped by a mysterious man in white, perched in the outfield, somehow transmitting pitch types to Blue Jays batters) I felt proud. He stood up for my boys. He told the world ESPN was wrong.

But then I found this:

Canada's Got Talent - as long as that talent isn't cartography

So I was watching TV the other day and came across this commercial for an upcoming Canadian version of the "miscellaneous country's got talent" franchise. That in and of itself pisses me off, but doesn't really surprise me, because Canada doesn't need any more shitty television content, but seems to be more than competent in creating this type of drivel.

What really gets me about this commercial is the COMPLETE LACK OF GEOGRAPHICAL AWARENESS OF THE COUNTRY OF CANADA. I mean how lazy are the turds at CityTV who put this together?

Have you douchebags ever looked at a map of your own country, or are you too busy proving that Ron Burgandy was actually reflective of real anchormen?

Gord Martineau, I'm looking at you (skip ahead to about 1:00 for the good stuff)

Alomar "Catch the Taste" Commercial is a Canadian Institution

Sunday July 31st was Roberto Alomar day at the Rogers Centre.
45,000+ Jays fans showed up to watch the Blue Jays retire the number of the best second baseman to ever play baseball.
After thanking the Royers family for their support (I am not sure who this Royers family is, but am sure they are deserving), Alomar misted up, as did the entire Rogers Centre.
But the biggest cheers were reserved not for his speech. Nor did people cheer the loudest for Colby Rasmus first hit as a Jay, nor did they make that much noise for the Jays victory, for Brandon Morrow's free-pizza winning performance nor Edwin Encarnacion's impressive fielding.

The biggest crowd reaction came as a result of this:

And in case you haven't seen the original commercial which brought us this great clip, here's an extended version which was edited down to give us that classic phrase: