Thursday, May 19, 2011

Who will Play the 2011 Blue Jays? Part 2

A couple days ago we brought you Part 1 of our fantasy cast for Terrence Mallick's untitled 2011 Toronto Blue Jays movie. (see Part 3 here)

For those who don't remember it was Steve Carrell for John McDonald, Ryan Gosling for Aaron Hill, Lee Majors for John Farrell and that creepy persian looking dude for Juan Rivera.

Today, we tackle 2 of the most important roles in Jose Bautista and Alex Anthopoulos.

We also look at the least important role in Jason Frasor. So without further ado...

1. David "Squiggy" Lander is Jason Frasor

From the Wikipedia entry on Laverne and Shirley(Squiggy is) The most obnoxious of the bunch, and the greasiest.

Jason Frasor, I dislike you.
I dislike you immensely. Not Juan Rivera immensely, but close.
Although I have never met you, I have no problem imagining you as the most obnoxious Blue Jay, as well as the greasiest. Also, David Lander circa Laverne and Shirley season 3 looks strikingly like you in the above pictures. Of course now he's 30 years too old. And he's also an inspirational speaker and supporter of multiple sclerosis research. So he actually seems like a good human being. I guess he shouldn't play you. 

And look at this; if you check his Wikipedia entry, you'll see he is a baseball scout as well. Holy crap, he's been working as a scout since 1997, first for the Angels and then the Mariners. Wow, this guy loves baseball.

David Lander, you obviously have a deep respect and love of the game.

Jason Frasor, you obviously don't.
I am basing that assumption on the fact that you obviously don't understand or even care what a relief pitcher's duties are. Primarily, it's to enter the game once the starting pitcher is removed. The expectation is a reliever will be able to "get batters out", which you seem to have confused with "blow leads with boneheaded plays and stunning regularity."

So where does that leave the movie? I think I've written you out of the script Frasor. There's no place in my movie for you, and Squiggy is too good a man to waste.

2. Usher is Jose Bautista

This was a tough one. Sure, there’s a little bit of a physical resemblance, but does Usher truly have what it takes to bring Bautista to the big screen? After careful review, the answer is a resounding yes. And this is why:

·        Bautista seems like a genuinely nice guy, so my first choice to play him was 2003 American Music Award best male artist nominee Ginuwine, who’s name implies his genuine nice-guyness.
·        Wikipedia tells me Ginuwine has 8 children with 4 different women. He is also the spokesperson for Adult Chocolate Milk, a 40-proof vodka based chocolate milk beverage. I am confident in saying, based on this research, that Genuine is a giant douche. 
I have no desire to "retaste" anything this douche's hands have been on.

·        Usher is what people call a “triple threat”: he can act, sing and dance.
·        Bautista is also a “triple threat”: he can bat for power, bat for average, and grow well sculpted facial hair

Believe it or not, Bautista's walk up music is "OMG" by Usher. I'm not making this shit up.
·        In 2004 Bautista was on 5 separate team rosters, and did not play for only 1 of those teams. This was an MLB record
·        In 2004 Usher released 5 separate singles (from the album “Confessions”), and only one of those singles did not top the Billboard Hot 100. “Confessions” was an R&B record.
·        Finally, and this is the big one, by casting Usher as Bautista it makes it so much easier for us to cast one of the most important parts of the 2011 Blue Jays movie…

3. Justin Bieber is Alex Anthopoulos

First, a little bit of background on Justin Bieber. The Canadian teen singing sensation was discovered online back in 2007. After being flown to Atlanta to audition for R&B superstar Usher (see the connection?). A bidding war soon broke out between Usher and Justin Timberlake. Bieber eventually decided to stick with his idol, Usher, and signed to his management group.

In this scene from the movie, Alex Anthopoulos (Bieber) congratulates Bautista (Usher) on his contract extension
Anthopoulos on the other hand was "discovered" while working with who could be considered his mentor, ex-Blue Jays G.M., J.P. Riccardi. Although no bidding war broke out surrounding Anthopoulos' on his road to G.M., he did successfully negotiate the Roy Halladay bidding war of 2009 (ok, the expected Yankees/Red Sox bidding war for Halladay never really materialized, but Anthopoulos deftly worked out the trade that send Halladay to the Phillies).

Whereas Anthopoulos will be played by Bieber in the movie, he's playing the Usher role in real life. He's the one showing the utmost respect and praise for his Bieber in Bautista. He's the one who took the chance on re-signing Bautista, like Usher did with Bieber. Not signing him to a record deal, mind you, but to a contract extension that was seen as risky when first announced, but upon reflection was a steal of a deal.

Usher/Bieber as Anthopoulos/Bautista brings some sort of reverse-meta-poignancy to the film.

And I forgot to mention that both Bieber and Anthopoulos are like 15 years old. 

Stay tuned for part 3, where we look at someone who's quickly supplanting Juan Rivera as the most hated Blue Jay, the world's sexiest Blue Jay and probably Yunel Escobar.

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