Top 10 Search Keywords that Bring You to Me

If you're reading this chances are you clicked on a link buried in a Toronto Blue Jays related article somewhere. Or perhaps you were intrigued by a craftily-written comment about some Canadian politics-related article and stumbled over here to see what witty bon-vivant was responsible.

The reason you decided to click on that link is something that really makes me think. Right now a couple of subjects fascinate the hell out of me. They are (in order of least to most fascinating):

1. How the hell the Blue Jays name is attached to every baseball trade rumour out there. Seriously, they're the baseball equivalent of a internet troll, pissing all over message boards everywhere.
2. How people find shit online.

Seriously.... Google something like "how to get people to my website" or "how to drive web traffic" and you'll find billions of results for either topic. 90% of these results tend to point to some self-annointed "expert" who for $19.95 will sell you a digital copy of his groundbreaking method to make money off of blogging. 9% will lead you to various SEO companies, promising to increase your Google ranking. 1% will lead you here. 

The similarities between all three above situations is that they discuss how traffic is driven and directed by search engines. Organic traffic driven by people searching for content seems to be the holy grail of internet presence. People feel more successful, and their web presence more validated when others actively search for what they're offering, rather than clicking on a link buried in a message board.

And while all these people out there who claim to know what drives traffic amuse me, what really amuses me are the random discoviers. When people search "Brett Lawrie is a douche", "Yu Darvish Blue Jays" or "Juan Rivera sucks" thy find me, as they should. 

But sometimes what they search makes shouldn't lead them to me at all, and I hope that when they land here that they're at least a little amused. So in honour of such people, here are the top 10 things people have searched for that have landed them here that shouldn't have:

1. анубис робот (searching this takes you here)

This apparently is "Anubis Robot" in some strange font or script or foriegn tongue I don't recognize. My guess is it's some long dead Mediterranean language. 

Apparently there's a huge Robotic Anubis fetish community amongst the Greek Orthodox.

2. when do report cards come out 2011 toronto (searching this takes you here)

This is the kind of thing my mom would do. She'd google "when do report cards come out 2011 toronto", she'd then read my pre-season Blue Jays report card thinking it would tell her, because it's what came up when she searched.
Then she would google her name a few times before finally typing her name, adding a ".com" to the end and expecting a picture of her to pop up.

3. picture of a retarded buffalo (searching this takes you here)

Why in God's name does someone want to see a picture of a retarded buffalo? In fact, how does one identify a retarded buffalo? Is someone out there so familiar with the facial expressions and mannerisms of the standard buffalo that they'd be able to distinguish between it and the retarded buffalo?

If so I want to meet this person.

And in the event they decide to search again, I've found this picture of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford , who is the closest thing to a retarded buffalo I know.



Jokes about following him off a cliff write themselves



4. is tom bosley in lotr (searching this takes you here)

Fucking idiots.

Does someone out there actually think Tom "Howard Cunningham" Bosley was in Lord of the Rings?
Does someone honestly believe Tom "Father Dowling" Bosley starred in the highest grossing trilogy of all time?

Jesus christ... everyone knows he starred in the seventh highest grossing trilogy of all time.

5. hoop and stick, euphamism for (searching this takes you here)

I like these search keywords just for the way they appear. It's like some cliched 1980's stockbroker talking to his computer. Like this:

6. did you showed the right way to love (searching this takes you... um... uh... I have no clue how this led someone to my blog)

I don't even know what this is supposed to mean. I hope whoever was looking for this was showed the right way to love.

In the meantime, I'm using this phrase to kick-off my new super internet meme: LOLBuffalos.

7. is jared from storage wars part mexican (searching this takes you here)

I mention Storage Wars in one post and suddenly become THE destination for all the world's Storage Wars-race related questions. Seriously, I've gotten more hits from people searching the above (or some variation of it) than people searching me by name.

8. russell martin ugly (searching this takes you here)

I don't know why anyone would even need to search the above. Russell Martin IS ugly. You don't need to search to prove it.
He's also a whining bitch and makes me ashamed to be from the Greater Toronto Area.

He also has been mistaken for a retarded buffalo:

9. role play tea party (searching this takes you here)

Someone was probably had something else in mind, but all I picture when I read this is a bunch of kids sitting around rolling a twelve-sided die: "I rolled a +7 stamina with my Michelle Bachman" or "My Ron Paul summons an unshakeable foe of abortion to defeat the evil ogre"

 10. robot knees blueprint (searching this takes you here)

Because this tells me that someone was almost done building their robot, when they realized they needed knees.