Because people need to be told by others how good they are in order to feel any sense of self worth.
But what do you do when you're blogging and people aren't flocking to your exciting, witty posts about the misadventures of Bob Seger cover band "Looking Back" or ex-Blue Jay utility outfielder Juan Rivera? Without traffic, how can you feel loved? How can you get the attention you need to give meaning to your miserable life?
Well you could post an ad on Craigslist.
Or you could do what everyone else does. A tactic that has been proven successful time and time again.
You could write a blog post about how other people can get more people to read their blog posts.
Confused? Well don't be, it's easy. Read on to learn how it's done.
1. ENSURE YOU CONSTANTLY REMIND ALL READERS ABOUT YOUR AUTHORITY ON THE TOPIC OF BLOGGING
I'd suggest including a paragraph similar to the one below. You'll find most articles on this topic will have at least a couple of the below points, and while you will still end up looking like a douchebag, at least you're an experienced douchebag.
When I wrote my blog post on how to use SEO to optimize a blog's popularity, I got 10,000 hits the first day. Initially I was shocked at the level of traffic, especially considering how apparently obvious SEO importance is, but soon I regularly hit those numbers. I did that by staying true to my muse, and blogging about my true love, SEO and how to use it to maximize one's blog experience. I'm not guaranteeing that you'll hit the same numbers, because I have extensive experience in the realm of SEO, and have quickly become one of the SEO authorities on the web. Strangers often ask me how I became so important on what used to be called "the blogosphere" and blah blah blah blah blah...
2. USE THE ACRONYM "SEO" OFTEN, PREFERRABLY WITH LITTLE UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT IT STANDS FOR OR HOW IT ACTUALLY AFFECTS BLOG TRAFFIC
3. WRITE ABOUT HOW PEOPLE SHOULD USE NUMBERED LISTS
Make use you use broad, over-arching statements like "everyone in the world would prefer to read a numbered list over a well argued essay that doesn't include such lists."
It works even better if you sort your "ways to drive blog traffic" list using bullets, rather than numbers.
4. MAKE SURE YOU TELL YOUR READER TO SUBMIT THEIR BLOG TO SEARCH ENGINES OR BLOG LISTING WEBSITES
Make sure you outline the various search engines they should submit their blog to. Bonus points for the following:
- mentioning any search engine
other than Google, because lets face it, who doesn't use Yahoo?because when was the last time anyone googled "blog post on interesting types of terriers that look like American Presidents" or whatever your blog is about? - because everyone knows loyal, dedicated blog followers for your blog on your family dog are best found on www.listofdoucheyblogs.com
5. TELL PEOPLE TO USE PICTURES, AND INCLUDE A STOCK PHOTOGRAPH OF SOME VAGUELY INTERNET-RELATED SCENE TO PROVE YOU WALK THE TALK
As condescendingly as possible, say something like "believe it or not, people need visual stimulation to pay attention to a blog." Make it sound like you've got a degree in semiotics or something. Make sure that the picture you have attached to the post is something that looks professional but vague, and wouldn't engage any reader worth your time. Preferably something like this (minus the word douchebag):
6. TELL PEOPLE TO BE ACTIVE IN COMMENT SECTIONS/FORUMS
Because the internet is definitely made a better place due to people shitting all over unrelated topics like this:
7. PREACH THE NEED FOR THE BLOGGER TO BE CREATIVE
This makes a very strong impression, especially when you link back to a couple of your blog posts (that have been written better by others, thousands of times before) on how to make money by blogging, or how to use Digg to increase blog traffic, or how to optimize blog traffic through SEO.
8. SIT BACK AND WAIT FOR THE MAD CHEDDAR TO START FLOWING IN
The End
LOL, I don't know how to read this, but not following the template works. Your approach is definitely unique, and that makes it all the more interesting. That may be the reason why people are glued to your site (something you can add as #7.5!).
ReplyDeleteStaci Burruel