8 Ways to Drive Traffic to your Blog by Writing about 8 Ways to Drive Traffic to your Blog

Why do people blog?
Because people need to be told by others how good they are in order to feel any sense of self worth.

But what do you do when you're blogging and people aren't flocking to your exciting, witty posts about the misadventures of Bob Seger cover band "Looking Back" or ex-Blue Jay utility outfielder Juan Rivera? Without traffic, how can you feel loved? How can you get the attention you need to give meaning to your miserable life?

Well you could post an ad on Craigslist.

Or you could do what everyone else does. A tactic that has been proven successful time and time again.

You could write a blog post about how other people can get more people to read their blog posts.

Confused? Well don't be, it's easy. Read on to learn how it's done.

How to use SEO to Optimize your Blog's Popularity

Make a post with the headline "Justin Beiber Lolita Mud Skank".

Consider your shit optimized, bitches.

Football Fans are Fucking Retarded

I was in what's perhaps the least entertaining place to have a drink at 3:00 pm on a Sunday in the whole wide world last weekend and saw this:

At first I thought it was retarded that, even though the poster was advertising bus trips to Buffalo, including seats in Ralph Wilson stadium, and was headed with the team name "Buffalo Bills", someone found it necessary to stipulate that each team was playing AT the Buffalo Bills.

Because I thought I'd take a bus to see the Bills play the Denver Broncos in Ralph Wilson stadium, which they could've moved to Colorado.

Then I saw that the Tennessee game is $15 less than every other game.

I guess that's because it's on a Sunady.

Canada's Got Talent - as long as that talent isn't cartography

So I was watching TV the other day and came across this commercial for an upcoming Canadian version of the "miscellaneous country's got talent" franchise. That in and of itself pisses me off, but doesn't really surprise me, because Canada doesn't need any more shitty television content, but seems to be more than competent in creating this type of drivel.

What really gets me about this commercial is the COMPLETE LACK OF GEOGRAPHICAL AWARENESS OF THE COUNTRY OF CANADA. I mean how lazy are the turds at CityTV who put this together?

Have you douchebags ever looked at a map of your own country, or are you too busy proving that Ron Burgandy was actually reflective of real anchormen?

Gord Martineau, I'm looking at you (skip ahead to about 1:00 for the good stuff)

The Top Ten Canadian Television Shows of all Time

On the international stage Canada is known and respected for many things such as:

• peace
• order
• good government
• groundbreaking, paradigm-shifting, tightly scripted television shows with impressive production values and expressive performances

I made that last point up. For those unfamiliar with the Canadian televsion landscape, it really does suck (with the exception of some proposed science fiction cartoons)

Some people may argue that it's gotten better in the last 10 years or so.

Those people are idiots.

This pre-amble bores me, so without further ado, here are the top ten Canadian television shows of all time.

Bear in mind that by "top ten" I mean "worst travesties ever committed to video".

Crocodeer and Jellyfish Present: Shut up about the God Damn Pictures

Crocodeer and Jellyfish present - Referring to Toronto Conservatives as "Ford Nation" makes you sound Retarded

HARPER GOVERNMENT IN A PANIC: "the Canadian seal slaughter is barbaric and archaic" says respected American artist

You're right Ke$ha, it hasn't been the same since Whiskey Saigon closed.

Just when Stephen Harper figured he was cruising all the way to a majority government comes news that respected musician and MTV Europe Music Award winning artist Ke$ha has launched a vicious campaign against the venerable Canadian tradition of clubbing baby seals.

Religion, Politics, Roleplaying or Pattinson? Question 4

This is a special and ongoing challenge designed to test how in tune you are with the tone of various popular websites.
Using advanced search engine technology, I have been able to pull out certain quotes from one of four websites forums and/or article comment sections.
Those websites are as follows:

www.cnn.com - the online arm of the American media giant.
www.americanthinker.com - a daily online conservative newsmagazine
www.roleplayerguild.com - the online home of roleplayers everywhere
www.robertpattinson.org - the number one Robert Pattinson resource on the web

See if you can tell where the following quote comes from:

like two heads of the same dragon who are aligned in destroying the country side, but then who fight over the plunder. (the answer is after the jump)

Religion, Politics, Roleplaying or Pattinson? Question 3

This is a special and ongoing challenge designed to test how in tune you are with the tone of various popular websites.
Using advanced search engine technology, I have been able to pull out certain quotes from one of four websites forums and/or article comment sections.
Those websites are as follows:

www.cnn.com - the online arm of the American media giant.
www.americanthinker.com - a daily online conservative newsmagazine
www.roleplayerguild.com - the online home of roleplayers everywhere
www.robertpattinson.org - the number one Robert Pattinson resource on the web

See if you can tell where the following quote comes from:

Robert Patinson's "Water for Elephants" will be the feel good film of the summer. (the answer is after the jump)

Religon, Politics, Roleplaying or Pattinson? Question 2

This is a special and ongoing challenge designed to test how in tune you are with the tone of various popular websites.
Using advanced search engine technology, I have been able to pull out certain quotes from one of four websites forums and/or article comment sections.
Those websites are as follows:

www.cnn.com - the online arm of the American media giant.
www.americanthinker.com - a daily online conservative newsmagazine
www.roleplayerguild.com - the online home of roleplayers everywhere
www.robertpattinson.org - the number one Robert Pattinson resource on the web

See if you can tell where the following quote comes from:

Pixie Q. Moonbeam gestures magically and energy (which once-upon-a-time could neither be created nor destroyed) appears. (the answer is after the jump)

Religion, Politics, Roleplaying or Pattinson? Question 1

This is a special and ongoing challenge designed to test how in tune you are with the tone of various popular websites.
Using advanced search engine technology, I have been able to pull out certain quotes from one of four websites forums and/or article comment sections.
Those websites are as follows:

www.cnn.com - the online arm of the American media giant.
www.americanthinker.com - a daily online conservative newsmagazine
www.roleplayerguild.com - the online home of roleplayers everywhere
www.robertpattinson.org - the number one Robert Pattinson resource on the web

See if you can tell where the following quote comes from:

The surplus was a result of Regan's administration. Please go read some books on economics. Clinton did some seriously idiotic things when he was president. (the answer is after the jump)