Angry Bretts

I think it's pretty obvious that Brett Lawrie like his cell phone:

I mean, the dude tweets about Swedish House Mafia often enough that at least a couple of 'em must've been sent from his cell.

And if he's got a smart phone, he's probably got Angry Birds.

Which is pretty fitting, because he's the Angriest Bird I know of (by bird I mean Blue Jay, not British woman).

And seeing how Angry Birds isn't afraid to license their game off to the highest paying intellectual property, I think it's only fitting that Brett Lawrie gets a shot at it.

Rob and Doug: Pug Brothers

I had this idea to make a cartoon about a couple of pugs, who are brothers. One of them is the mayor of Dog City. The other is a city councillor or something.
Then they find a cell phone.
The Rob and Doug Ford had to go screw it up for me.

The Lost Blue Jays 8 Bit Old School Nintendo Video Game

I had this crazy dream the other night.

In it, I was playing a video game on an old school NES. And that video game was about the 2013 Blue Jays.

So I jumped on ebay, poked around for a bit, and sure enough, was able to track it down.

I have no idea how someone was able to predict what I'm sure will be the fate of the Jays this year, but dammit if this doesn't look pretty accurate.

Except I don't think Lind will get as many at bats.

But other than that, I think it's pretty bang on.

J.J. Abrams vs. John Farrell: What's with all these Dream Jobs?

Red Sox fans complained about the 2013 season's excessive lens flares 

I am not really a Trekkie.
I am also not really a Star Wars fan.

That being said, I probably know more about Star Trek mythology than most people.
I also know more about about Star Wars mythology than most people (My geek card should be validated by referring to both Star Trek and Star Wars minutae as "mythology").

Who said R.A. Dickey is going to be a Blue Jay?

So my weekend was kind of ruined by the fact that RA Dickey is apparently going to be a Toronto Blue Jay.

I seriously spent at least 8 hours watching Twitter, in a mall's food court, while pretending to Christmas shop, waiting for the allegedly immanent trade to become official.

Ironically, neither the trade nor my Christmas shopping is done.

It got me thinking, though. Who is telling Ken Rosenthal et al about these trades?

Is it someone from the Jays? If so, who? How close are they? Are they THIS close:

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO: John Gibbons gets the message that he's the new Blue Jays manager

I stumbled across this exclusive video of the phone call John Gibbons received, informing him that he was the successful candidate for the 2012 Blue Jays manager position.

I am a huge Gibbons fan, and can't wait to see him in his Jays K-way again.

5 Awesome Things about the 2012 Canadian National Exhibition

It's that time of year again. You can tell that summer is almost over because the CNE is here. 
So what works this year?
Here are the top 5 things at the 2012 Canadian National Exhibition:

1. Counterfeit Kids Toys

All the classic Care Bear characters: Cheer Bear, Tenderheart Bear, Hotaru Assassin Bear, Funshine Bear

Every couple of years there'll be a news story or two about how toy companies are angry with the unlicensed, brand-damaging, sweat-shop made prizes being handed out at various midway games.

David Cooper: Blue Jays Kingpin

So the other day I made a bit of a flip post about David Cooper being the next John Olerud.

I am now officially standing behind that.

For two reasons.

Firstly - Apparently I can't figure out how to get fan graphs to work. But I know my fucking statistics dammit.  Uhh... this chart below shows that at age 25 Cooper has a similar batting average to John Olerud...

Olerud was the king of hitting for average. (yeah, my chart is weak, but it's getting late and I just want to compare Cooper to Daredevil/Ben Affleck).

At the end of the day, I'm getting a 100% Olerudian vibe from Cooper.

For Real, David Cooper looks just like John Olerud

The only difference? 

Cooper's Dimples Above Replacement (DAR) is through the roof. 

Top 10 Search Keywords that Bring You to Me

If you're reading this chances are you clicked on a link buried in a Toronto Blue Jays related article somewhere. Or perhaps you were intrigued by a craftily-written comment about some Canadian politics-related article and stumbled over here to see what witty bon-vivant was responsible.

The reason you decided to click on that link is something that really makes me think. Right now a couple of subjects fascinate the hell out of me. They are (in order of least to most fascinating):

1. How the hell the Blue Jays name is attached to every baseball trade rumour out there. Seriously, they're the baseball equivalent of a internet troll, pissing all over message boards everywhere.
2. How people find shit online.

Seriously.... Google something like "how to get people to my website" or "how to drive web traffic" and you'll find billions of results for either topic. 90% of these results tend to point to some self-annointed "expert" who for $19.95 will sell you a digital copy of his groundbreaking method to make money off of blogging. 9% will lead you to various SEO companies, promising to increase your Google ranking. 1% will lead you here. 

Who will Play the 2011 Blue Jays? Part 3

It has been awhile since the last report on casting for Terrence Malik's untitled 2011 Toronto Blue Jay film.

In PART 1 we announced Steve Carrell as John McDonald, Ryan Gosling as Aaron Hill, Lee Majors as John Farrell and some other dude as Juan Rivera, which doesn't matter any more because he's gone (HOORAY!).

In PART 2 we looked at David "Squiggy" Lander as Jason Frasor (also gone... HOORAY!), R&B superstar Usher as Jose Bautista and Justin Bieber as Alex Anthopoulos. 

A lot has changed since May 16th, the date of the last casting report.

On May 16th, the Jays were 1 game over .500. As of August 15th they're 2 games over.

And so today, in celebration of this enormous improvement, we will look at who will be playing some of the younger members of your Toronto Blue Jays, because as Whitney said, I believe the children are our future. And Whitney starred with Kevin Costner in the Bodyguard. And Costner built the god-damn field of dreams. So on that note...

More Info on the Man in White Emerges

Following our expose of the mysterious individual responsible for stealing signs on behalf of the Toronto Blue Jays, more information has surfaced regarding the person known as "the man in white".

A review of recent Toronto Maple Leafs footage shows that this man has a hand in their fortunes as well.

What does it all mean? We're still trying to work that out.

Toronto Blue Jays Sign-Stealing Man in White has been Identified

At first I didn't want to believe it. Not MY Toronto Blue Jays.

My boys would never cheat. They would never steal signs.

And when Alex Anthopoulos responded to this ESPN article (which claims that when playing at home the Jays are helped by a mysterious man in white, perched in the outfield, somehow transmitting pitch types to Blue Jays batters) I felt proud. He stood up for my boys. He told the world ESPN was wrong.

But then I found this:

Canada's Got Talent - as long as that talent isn't cartography

So I was watching TV the other day and came across this commercial for an upcoming Canadian version of the "miscellaneous country's got talent" franchise. That in and of itself pisses me off, but doesn't really surprise me, because Canada doesn't need any more shitty television content, but seems to be more than competent in creating this type of drivel.

What really gets me about this commercial is the COMPLETE LACK OF GEOGRAPHICAL AWARENESS OF THE COUNTRY OF CANADA. I mean how lazy are the turds at CityTV who put this together?

Have you douchebags ever looked at a map of your own country, or are you too busy proving that Ron Burgandy was actually reflective of real anchormen?

Gord Martineau, I'm looking at you (skip ahead to about 1:00 for the good stuff)

Crocodeer and Jellyfish present - Referring to Toronto Conservatives as "Ford Nation" makes you sound Retarded