Juan Rivera Weekly News Round-Up

It was a busy weekend for utility player/untrustworthy monster Juan Rivera.

First, his career as a Mexican folk singer turned drug lord was uncovered by this very blog on Sunday.

What strikes this reporter is the fact that Rivera is so proud of his unsavory extra-curricular activities.
Proud enough to post a video to YouTube showing him dispatching of rival drug lords. As much as I detest Rivera, I have to admit that the song does grow on you after a few listens, much like Maroon 5’s Sunday Mornings.  

Fortunately for the good people of Toronto, other news outlets have picked up on his misdeeds and are warning the fair city of the evil in our midst.

The Toronto Sun’s Mike Rutsey reported Saturday on Rivera’s lack of friends. As per Rutsey, even Jay’s Manager John Farrell (who until now has appeared to be firmly under the nefarious player’s control) criticized his decision making ability.

“He knows he should have slid,” raged Farrell. “He knows he had the ability to interrupt a double play.”

However while Toronto is slowly opening it’s eyes to the evil in it’s midst, other cities are still blinded to the truth. Sensing this, Rivera turned his attention to the Newark New Jersey District School Board. Like a master puppeteer, he manipulated all sides of the ongoing debate surrounding the opening of 6 new high schools in the Newark district.

The Newark Star-Ledger’s David Giambusso wrote of “board vice chair Barbara King (taking) umbrage with the suggestion that she was influenced by anyone.”  Obviously like the great Satan he is, Rivera is able to twist and bend the will and the perception of others. Given his powerful charisma scores (19+) it’s likely that Ms. King would not see herself under the influence of anyone, let alone Rivera. This would be especially unlikely when he too agrees. “If there was any type of influence over us,” said Juan Rivera “it was from the community.”

Incredible. Deflect the attention away from you by focusing on the very people you intend to destroy. Textbook manipulation, straight out of Machiavelli.

Fortunately some of Rivera’s past crimes were unearthed in the past few weeks. He was charged with embezzling more than $1.2 million from the American government after infiltrating the U.S. Army finance office in Kabul. According to court documents “agents recovered most of the money and seized eight silk Persian rugs.”

This reporter remains dedicated to spreading the truth about Juan Rivera, and will not rest until his evil-doings are shared with the world. Stay focused and diligent friends, for only together will we be able to destroy this devil that walks among us.